hello, dear friends and foes of the vast unknown. no, i haven't quit after the first day, for the first time ever. just kidding lol though i am known to do that.
i've been really questioning why i do a lot of the things i do, and why i feel so insecure and uncomfortable about the things that make me feel that way. a lot of it comes down to how i was raised, no doubt. this sense of owing it to people to make them feel good, even if they make me feel like shit. unfortunately there are people in my family who make me feel this way, and it makes it such a challenge to break free, so to speak.
but sometimes, i just kind of sit there, and i realize, i have so much free will. why the hell should i torture myself? i know my path is not meant to be one commonly walked. everything i've ever learned about myself and what drives me in life has led me to this conclusion. so why does it scare me so much to consider straying from how my family percieves me, even though it hurts me and makes me feel like i don't have a say?
i think a lot of why i am drawn to chaos and why i take on the villain role in my own life a lot is because i hate feeling like i'm out of control. there are many things in my life that are pretty shitty to deal with that i have no control over. of course i'm upset over that. however, the constant creation of chaos and madness in my life seems more like... dissonance? it's like, i've accepted that i'll never have control, so i throw it to the winds, i'll never have it and i don't care.
except that i do. i care deeply. i care about so many things and so much of my life has become so distant and feels so out of reach, even though it used to be my everyday reality. it's myself i've lost touch with. because i can maintain control. i am calm, cool, and collected. it's just that i've been pushing away this entire idea of self because i thought it wasn't possible.
but i want to take charge more. of my own reality. i want to have more structure. better routines. healthier habits. i know that i can. but i'm here on this journey. and i want to keep up this website. it's making me feel more like myself than i have in a long while.
i feel that so much of how i determine if something i have to share is "valuable" or not comes down to the attention it gets. i know for a fact that i did not get enough attention as a child to feel fully seen. i don't know if i've ever let myself be fully seen, in all honesty.
i was going to add more to this journal several times in the past few days. even the day after i wrote the first entry, i had more to add. but i shut myself up out of fear. i thought about it too much. no one is going to see it, except for someone who hates me who will find it and embarass me publicly with this. okay, but so fucking what? i honestly have nothing to lose in this business. it's just me. i don't really care like that.
i'm just not going to put myself in situations where i feel like i'm being treated like less than. i feel like i keep letting people put me down, thinking i deserve it. it's that forced feminization enforced by the church, i'm telling you. it's actually evil, and it's not trans people who are causing it.
honestly i think that so much of my discomfort coming from within myself these days is because of how feminine i know i come across. it's not fair, i didn't ask to be born like this. i don't want any assumptions to be made about me, my body, or who i will make myself available because of my appearance.
i really want to appear more masculine. i want to be androgynous, full stop. i want to be void of gender. i am beyond that shit. but you know, if people want to opt in, its fine i guess. what i'm saying is that i need to make some serious changes and put in some real effort if i am to appear how i want to. and i really fucking want to.
one of the first things i can do is make my own clothes. i usually feel uncomfortable with how things fit me. nothing was made for my body. that is, until i make things that fit me perfectly. i'm pretty fucking busy, but that's the goal. i've got to keep creating, something, every day.
i've spent way too much of my life wallowing on the sad feelings. the "oh i'm so bad" feelings and not in a silly, goofy way. i'm just shaming myself for existing, focusing on everything going wrong, not making room for things to go right. so if things feel bad, i don't even want to think about it anymore. i'll let it burn. i'll walk away. i'm with the wind. and it's but a dust particle of smoke now somewhere far beyond me.