i feel like pure garbage. idk what else to say. i feel like i need to get some thoughts out into reality so that's what i'm here to do. i have to keep reminding myself that i'm doing this for me. this website is for me because i enjoy it and i think its cool and its something i dreamed of when i was young. it's so hard for me to want to do anything if i feel like nobody gives a shit about it. and i keep running into walls where it seems like really nobody else cares about my interests, my obsessions, my passions. not like i do, or not in the slightest. and it hurts either way. i'm so awful at communicating, people seem to typically leave me on read because i leave them on delivered for centuries. no wonder. still, it hurts when i see that they opened it and had nothing to say. it's a blow to my self esteem and it proves to me how much i really value what people think of me. i feel like so much of my self worth is placed in whether people think my ideas are interesting and worth replying to or not. i don't just want to be heard. i want to converse.
and like, don't get me wrong. i have friends and we do have conversations. we've had a lot of fun and shared good memories. but i don't feel welcome or valued when i'm not bringing something fun and exciting to the table. i just want to be grumpy and sad on main but people are gonna look at me weird and stay away from me like they think i bite. i don't know why i even bother trying to have a social life. i never really like it when i do.
i've really run into a wall here in regards to being a fucking stoner. i've been smoking weed every day since i moved, a few months ago. i was smoking weed before then too, but i wanted to quit. and i gave up. i've been making excuses that it's for fun, or that its somehow taking care of myself, because it's so much fun to do with friends, but really it just leaves me feeling dizzy and anxious and afterwards, deeply depressed. i'm so fucking miserable today. i could cry just for being alive. i don't get it. is it seasonal depression? probably. but these chemicals have fucked up my head. i've been smoking weed almost every day for 6 years, going on 7 (LOL)... it's actually insane when i think about it. so much of my enjoyment of life has been stripped because i crave the chemicals that will let me feel joy for only a very limited period of time.
i don't have the self control for this shit. how do i get myself out of this mess? my tolerance is too high for it to have any effect on me, but still i crave the effect. i feel like i'm going fucking crazy. i hate this predicament i've left myself in. i've been living with abandon for far too long.
sometimes i really just need to retreat into my own silence. i need this time to reflect upon myself and to remember my worth. i did this really great tarot reading yesterday and it made me feel so uplifted and inspired. i was going to write about it here. something about the importance of my voice, the necessity to be myself, the ending of reliance upon others for things that only i can validate in myself. yeah, it all makes sense. still, i'm grumpy, and i want to cry. and i don't want to even think about it. i really want to leave all the apps behind. no more instagram... it would be a dream come true. i can do it, if i want to. i need to get another phone. i hate the iphone. it sickens me, now that i know where and how the materials are gathered. then again, i don't really think that there's any phones that aren't exploiting people who have been exploited for their entire lives. i hate the fucking pillars that hold up this society: racism, classism, delusion, and deception. idk, i'm sure there's a better way to put that, but you know what i'm saying. i am SICK of this. moreso, i just hate the fucking smartphone being a necessity to everyday life. i want mine to be an empty shell with only the bare minimum essentials so that i can survive.
even though i have a therapist who's helped me through a lot of my emotional traumas, i still feel so scarred from shit that really wasn't that long ago. my brain wants to tell me its been ages since people who i called my friends betrayed me, spat on me, dragged me through the mud, at least that's how it felt. i feel like every time i extend an olive branch, they end up taking advantage of me in some way. my best friends are the ones that i keep at an extended distance, and only communicate with or meet up with every once in a long while. i don't think i'm meant to be spending every day with people.