well, here we are. this new moon has crazy implications for me based on my chart. and it's square to neptune, who has been RELENTLESSLY BULLYING ME AND BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF MY PSYCHE for the past 10+ years as its been traversing my 8th house. god, i can't wait for neptune in aries. though i am afraid at the violence which may arise from it, considering the deeply disturbed nature that neptune can take on in combination with the violent outbursts that aries can exhibit. this world is such a scary place. like, fuck. they were supposed to release the PEDO FILES today but NOOOOOO this fucking fascist dictator won't do that of course, no matter how many laws are broken. oops, i went on a side tangent. well, whatever. it's so relevant.
i was trying to reconnect with aphrodite a couple days ago. i made an offering to her, and i was called to open my mind to her messages. no joke, full seriousness, and with all respect for her almighty self, she told me that my life is like minecraft. i've had dreams that take place in minecraft for pretty much all of my conscious memory. and suddenly it made sense to me. i can live in survival mode, or in creative mode. i have all the resources i need to build anything that i could imagine. my imagination shows me the things that i can create. all i have to do is either get out there and collect resources, or just put in the effort and make it. there's nothing i can dream of that can't be done, within reason. i felt so inspired by this. i even completed my first crochet project, about a year since i first picked up the craft. i'm really happy to be creating again.
i've also come face to face with the fact that my people pleasing days are far from over. in fact, i think it's why i'm having such a hard time staying connected with people now. i'm so afraid of saying no or disappointing people, that i just ignore everything and everyone until i can't anymore. and that's a really shitty way to live.
hi, i'm drae. and i live with a crippling fear of having no control over how others percieve me. i seek out validation for my opinions, and when others share opinions that i hate, it ruins my day and fills me with rage. i tell people i'm good at minding my business, but i'm actually so concerned with what others think. and i'm facing this head-on because i've been ignoring it for 10+ years of my life. i deserve to stand up for myself. i deserve to be myself. i am doing this for me. i am creating for me. if it makes me happy, i want it. if no one gives a shit, that just means there's more for me to appreciate. and i like to be alone. i'm not going to force myself to spend time with people because i'm supposed to like it, or because people expect me to. i like my own company more than anyone else's, and i'm not ashamed. saying this to the world, though, is a different story.
so, what's the solution to this? firstly, i've got to source my joy from myself. all validation, all acceptance, all support, all the cheering me on.. it's got to come from inside the house. i think the reason it hurts so bad when people don't respond how i want them to, or at all, is because i want that external feedback to reflect my inner beliefs. however, that's not how the world works. unless you're a fucked up political conspiracy theorist who doesn't believe in provable facts but that's another topic as well.
let me do some brainstorming. what are the things that i'm afraid to be disliked, judged, shunned, questioned, outcast for?
sometimes when people ask me to hang out it comes with the implication that they're saving me from loneliness or something. or people figure out that i'm not that much of a social creature and they assume that i hate them or that we can't be friends. no, i just want to interact with people on a case by case basis, and only when i'm in the mood for it. i'm often not. i feel misunderstood. being alone and doing things on my own accord is so great.
let's talk when there's something to discuss, a topic of interest. small talk makes me feel pressured to entertain people and it's so miserable. i just don't see any value in talking about small day to day activities when i feel like that's genuinely the most boring part of life possible. i'm afraid i'll hurt people's feelings and/or lose friends.
i truly cannot understand for the life of me why most people seem to really love doing things with other people. i'm saying: i don't play or follow any team sports, i don't play multiplayer games, i don't usually invite people to go shopping with me. this is because i like to be fully focused on my own vision and see it through to completion without any outside contributions. i realize that in many instances, collaboration is not only important but is also necessary, not an option. but i think in future classes when there's group projects i'll choose to work alone if i can. i like to see what i can do and let others do their thing separately from myself. i honestly like my ideas a lot and i won't give them up, lol.
i hate being pressured to watch things and then having to pretend like i care when i really don't. the media that i care about is so oddly specific, and most people usually don't care for my reccomendations. at this point i might as well just tell people that something doesn't interest me, but i'm afraid of how that might hurt their feelings. still, i live beyond conserving people's feelings. anyway, i do watch things that i actually am interested in when people reccomend things. it's not like i don't want any reccomendations, but if you're going to do that, don't pressure me to put time into enjoying it, or expect me to like it at all. you can only make reccomendations if you have a completely open mind.
i don't want to see your touched up selfies. i don't want to know what random people i haven't seen or talked to in years are up to. i don't want to make myself accessible for anyone and everyone who wants to look me up and find information about me online. it just keeps getting worse. but i'm afraid i'll lose touch with literally everyone if i stop using instagram. so many people i talk to are on there. in fact, so many that it's too much. i have probably 50+ messages in my inbox waiting to even be opened because i'm overwhelmed by the sheer number of people on there. i'm afraid that if i tell everyone only to text me, i'll never talk to them ever again. but does it make a difference if i barely go on there as it is now?
yes, this is something everyone needs, but i feel like when i put my foot down i ruin people's vibes a lot. whether its ways people are discussing topics that have personally affected me, or the way someone is talking to me, i need to stand up for myself more when i'm uncomfortable. it's crazy because usually the reason why i don't is that i don't want to make others feel uncomfortable... because i'm uncomfortable? lol.
i don't want to share my identity with everyone. i'd rather be a mystery. i'm so afraid of people making assumptions about me that i'm always over-explaining and then i feel like i've exposed myself for no damn reason. it's okay if i have privacy, and secrecy within myself. it doesn't mean there's anything i HAVE to hide. to me, my inner self is sacred, and i want to protect them from prying eyes.
this part is where i think i have a massive ego because like... what do you mean you hate talking with people and staying in touch with people and interacting with people every day, but you want attention? honestly, i like to be seen. it feels good. i want to be percieved on the outside, when i'm feeling it. human interaction feels more vulnerable. i want to be viewed at a distance and respected from that safe distance. i want to make people laugh and inspire people and know that i have an impact on others. this is why i think i'm meant to be a youtuber or something similar.
the worst part of being an artist is making something you're proud of, showing it to people, and getting a lackluster reponse at best. i'm so afraid that people won't see what i see that i hestitate from creating anything at all. that's such a backwards way to live. i've got to have more faith in myself. i can create impressive art, music, writing, anything. i am so talented. and i want the world to see it.
maybe it's just the autism making it so i can't express tone very well but no one ever gets that i'm joking when i try to tease people or say rude things in jest. i feel like i can't express my true personality because i'm so used to being this ~sweetheart~ that my family and elderly women are always calling me. i just don't think it's necessary to soften everything i say for everyone. not when there's raging assholes running the countries. to me, my bullying nature is fun and silly and makes life more exciting. i thrive on organized chaos. i don't want to scare people, but i want to be myself, and i kind of have to sometimes. i think i'm like an "evil" cat.
in many of my ex-friendships, ex-relationships, and ex-situationships, i feel like people held me responsible for making them feel better about the problems that they face in their lives. as if i don't have enough shit to deal with on my own, that i deal with on my own by choice, because no one else can heal from my trauma for me. i'm fine with discussing emotional things, but once i feel like i'm being dragged in to the situation and playing a part in one's mental health, i'm fucking out. i'm not playing that game ever again. and i find it hard to relate to a lot of people for this reason.
it pisses me off so bad when people act like a puppy that i kicked (WHICH I HAVE NEVER DONE BTW, ITS A METAPHOR, I WOULD ACTUALLY SOB) just because i don't agree with them, or see things that they didn't see. i'm not some ethereal, all-knowing being. i'm equally as human as you and i do not consent to that weird, idealizing, idolizing, power imbalance inducing mentality. i have been traumatized by past friendships like this.
i would rather let my appearance do the talking for me in letting people know that i'm cool and creative. i think i'm already doing this sometimes, but i could definitely take it further, if not for my fear of being stared at by elders or judged by people my own age.
don't freaking complain to me about what you look like. everyone is beautiful in their own way and it's not on me to tell you that or convince you. i feel like that's some real toxic femininity, e/d inducing behaviour depending on how far it goes. i've witnessed it go pretty far. i'm out. bye.
i know there's other points essentially saying the same thing, but this is specifically about opinions and beliefs. i often bite my tongue when people bring up things that i am so against or opposed to, because i feel like it's not worth it to rock the boat. the whole time, i'm not on a god damn boat. who cares? i would rather be myself and make people uncomfortable because i'm not validating their perspectives and claims. boo hoo.
i swear, throughout my entire life, my greatest enemies (people who hated me when i was just a fucking child) were people who were mad that i seem more intelligent, quick-witted, clever than they are. god, such weak egos. even now, i find it really hard to speak up when i KNOW i'm right and i'm being treated like i don't know shit. i've got to have some more backbone with these things.
people say i'm out of touch or treat me like i'm stupid, or they get mad at me for bringing up uncomfortable topics, or challenging other people's beliefs which i think are ACTUALLY STUPID at best, willingly ignorant and harmful at worst.
i think everyone should be more aware of what they're spending their money on. not out of the economy being shit, though that does help in a personal sense. i mean, what mega corporations are you supporting the apocalypse generators of? i know it's hard to avoid, and it's not like i don't utilize and pay for things that are absolutely horrendous. i just cannot wrap my mind around people buying super expensive GARBAGE that looks half-decent and showing it off, showing their friends excitedly. i'm not fucking impressed, dude. it's capitalism and you're a cog in the machine. your shiny new phone's materials came from bloodied mines. don't buy anything new if the old one isn't broke, or if you can buy second-hand. why would i be happy for someone for wasting their resources on something so heartless? and don't get me started on, "it was free" or "it was on sale" THE FREAKIGN MATERIALS THAT WENT INTO IT WERENT FREE AND IT WAS EITHER MADE IN A FACTORY THATS DESTROYING OUR PLANET OR MADE BY PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT BEING TREATED LIKE PEOPLE AND BEING PAID IN FRACTIONS OF A CENT. i feel like people just want to live in such a small bubble that's just... disgusting in the current state of affairs. ESPECIALLY AI.
honestly this is one of the least controversial on here but i think that's because i hang out with people with similar beliefs to my own. and no, that doesn't mean i need to listen to more raging assholes to balance out my biases. capitalism is not a fair system and those who work hard get the shit end of the stick most of the time. i hate nepotism and i hate the elite. can some vigilantes PLEASE deal with all these PEDOS out here using money to pay off the authorities?
this one will mainly piss off my enemies. if you are a fascist, or think in any way that the blatant displays of fascism and colonialism that are in full force right now across the globe are slightly excusable, then get the fuck out of my face. i don't want to hear those people out. i don't want to debate you. i don't want to know how fucking sick you are.
okay so, reading over this, it's SCREAMING "i have a lot of fire and no water in my chart." LMAO. i'm worried that i come across as an obnoxious troll or an aggressor, but i don't want to actually bully anyone. i just want to have fun and play rough and i don't have time or patience for all the sappy, overly considerate shit. and i think a lot of my rage/contempt for it comes from the way i've been forcing myself to be for my whole life out of fear of disappointing others or being judged. god, the social conditioning of afab people is so sick and twisted. RELEASE ME FROM THIS PRISON! let me be the WITCH!
i think they actually fit nicely into these categories: my political views, what i put into the world, and how i want to be recieved. i'm going to sort these numbers into a list that seems to be a little less random then how i've scribbled it out off the dome. lmfao i love the phrase "off the dome" and im sorry if its AAVE; i don't think there's any aspect of the way i speak that hasn't absorbed the mass gentrification of AAVE terms that white people don't have any ties or understanding of. just saying.