hello, dear friends and foes of the vast unknown that is the internet. this is now my corner that i will continue to cultivate, because the rest of this digital wasteland is mortifying. soul-denying, if you will. i am just trying to feel alive again, truly. the internet seemed so cool when i was a kid and all the 90s kids were experiencing cringe for the first time in their 20s. now i'm in my 20's, stuck with this mess. i know it was never a great place, but i never imagined it would become this rotten.
the first thing i would like to address is the typing in all lowercase. i started this over a decade ago and it only ever feels wrong when i type "properly." i understand that it may be harder to read for some people. but for me the typing in only lowercase is an act of defiance. it is minimal, but it tells any reader that i do not care for conventions, even if there is a rhyme and reason to those conventions. i really do not care for tradition, and i do not intend on upholding any within my lifetime. i know that in many instances, i will not have a choice. this only makes the importance of exercising my free will whenever i have the chance all the more vital.
i really have been feeling like i'm losing it, as of late. i can't keep up with anything that my adult life requires of me, and i feel like a complete mess. i can't keep up with my friends, my family, my self, my health, my habits that make me enjoy being alive. it seems that there are so many different things requiring my attention and calling for my input that i really have nothing to give anymore. when there are too many things to do, i break down, and i feel that i can't do any of it to begin with. my mind is so all-or-nothing, at times to my benefit, but mainly to my detriment, as it seems.
i fucking hate generative ai with all of my being. it disturbs me how quickly i see people adopting it, allowing it to fit into their lives, making room in their lives for it to be a presence, taking part in their everyday activities. i will admit, i fell into this trap when it first became available to the public. i did not instantly decide to never engage with it. but rather, it is through learning about its impact upon the world, and the many inconceivable ways that it has already harmed people and taken innocent lives, that i've decided that i do not consent to this being a part of my life.
the corporations that benefit from a lack of humanity in their workers do not give a fuck about my consent. they continue to shove it in my face, to implement it into everything that they possibly can, to give me no choice but to use it, to the point where it's being used in completely unnecessary ways in places i did not ask for it to be used and in which all of the energy that was used to generate an unwarranted response went towards absolutely nothing. i will not read the response, and i wasn't going to. i just don't think anyone is concerned enough. it's really getting under my skin.
i also feel like i'm losing my mind because of my newly realized gender dysphoria. it's making me feel so miserable now that i've realized how uncomfortable my physical form makes me feel. its no wonder i never wanted to be percieved before. now, i had considered in my youth that i may be a trans guy, because of this chest dysphoria i experience and have for the entire time that i've had them as a part of my body.
in all honesty, i don't think i noticed how much this impacted me, because i've been envisioning myself in my head without a chest for my entire life. i only recently became aware that other people actually see me as a person with a chest and oh my god, i could not be more disturbed by this revelation. it should have been obvious and clear to me. and it has been, really. i mean, they're right there, for fucks sake. i embraced womanhood for so long because i really, strongly feel that i am not a guy. i don't want to be a man. men disgust me. there are some good ones, and i appreciate them for existing. but damn, i don't want to be a woman either.
gender roles feels like such a prison, and a burden that we all must bear. no wonder some of the most traditional people are the most hateful towards those who defy gender norms and binaries. they must be envious, seeing someone so free, when they've been limiting their own free will for their entire lives, being told its the "right" thing to do. oh, and don't even get me started on the righteousness of evangelicals. i will summon jesus before me just so i can beat the shit out of him because of how much these selfish assholes piss me off. i could probably make a more intelligent argument against christianity, but i just don't think its worth my time. i'll be doing withcraft and dancing like i'm the devil until the day i die. and i believe in ghosts, so i may continue to do so afterwards as well.
i want a new hair style, one that's more masculine, to balance out the femininity my appearance apparently evokes without any effort on my part. and i'm particularly upset about this because... i used to be bullied for not being feminine enough. its like, in the "woke" era, i wasn't feminine enough to be seen as feminine (and therefore respected by men.) now that woke is dead, i'm being percieved as too feminine to not be feminine. and i know for a fact that i'm presenting femininity the wrong way, as it will never be good enough for those two-genders-only freaks. god, i want to escape from this madness.
i also would really benefit from more clothes to choose from. my closet really needs some new life, but i haven't really been able to afford it lately. i'm also scared because i feel like nothing fits me the way i want it to due to my chest. i should really get some binders. but damn, those things are expensive as well. i saw a great tutorial online to make something that works like a binder but i'm not sure i have the time or the patience to do this. it feels like every way i try to go is a dead end. and it's in these situations that i know i have to take a leap of faith, and go a way that feels wrong, in order to find the right way. i'm just so exhausted.